How many times have you said or heard a friend say they’re swearing off dating and becoming a celibate monk? But how many people have you known who have chosen to be celibate? Probably few.

I am one of those people who, following a very tough divorce, elected to be celibate for 2 years just to get my head together and focus on my parenting and my work. On this side of the coin, more than 8 years after taking that vow, I can honestly say, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I cringe when I think of how different my life might be had I not taken that extended hiatus to just love me.

According to Wiki: Celibacy is a state of being intentionally unmarried and abstaining from sexual intercourse. A vow of celibacy taken by monks and nuns signifies the promise to refrain from all sexual activity for the purpose of spiritual advancement.

Like the monks, I was seeking spiritual advancement in the form of clarity about my purpose, my gifts and how to apply them. I had a pseudo boyfriend who was also a praise leader at church, in his late 20’s and a virgin. He was a completely platonic friend whose company I enjoyed, but could never have really been happy with in a mature relationship. And so we were content to be movie and dinner companions who never kissed goodnight, but dearly loved each other until my 2 year vow was coming to an end and I was ready to give mature love a try one last time.

What did I do? I suppose I went into some kind of camel mode sexually. At first there was a nagging voice that responded to being in “coupled” environments by turning up the volume of my biological clock ticking and often a round of negative thinking cycles would start spinning. I put a great deal of time and energy into my work with delinquent youth at the center where I worked as well as my ministry with the church. Between those and being a single parent, both my time and plate were full. In between, I did find some time to fulfill sort of a “bucket list” of arts I wanted to try. So I bought some paints, an easel, and some drawing charcoal and poured any alone time with art and reading. My faith in myself and in God was growing as I could see the impact of those tiny seeds sown. I suppose for the first time since I was nine and got the monthly curse, I was just me again, with no concern for what anyone thought of me, or impressing anyone. I think that time in my life is the closest to true freedom I’ve had since the age of innocence. It’s amazing now how completely liberated I was during that two years, and yes I reminisce about the simplicity of that time often.

It genuinely makes sense to steer clear of dating after a bad breakup anyway. Rebound relationships rarely, if ever, go anywhere and jumping in before healing can only compound the baggage you’re already carrying. Even if you only take a couple of months to get your head together, think of it as an investment in you. Do the things you always wanted to try, but have never been able or had the time to. I can’t tell you how often I’m thankful for taking that time to heal my heart and my mind, but I know it brought me into a state of readiness for the love and relationship I have now. It’s as if getting to know me was the answer to my relationship problems all along. I just knew that after two fail marriages I had to do something drastic to change the patterns I saw in my life.

Thinking cycles
The simplicity of happy celibate life allowed me to listen to my internal thoughts more closely. I had struggled with depression most of my adult life and all anyone wanted me to do was take pills for it. I was learning about cognitive-behavioral therapies while working at the youth treatment center as they were learning it for their treatment plan. I began applying some of the principles to my own thinking and was able to work their treatment in my own life while helping to reinforce them to the youth.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an empirically supported treatment that focuses on patterns of thinking that are maladaptive and the beliefs that underlie such thinking. For example, a person who is depressed may have the belief, “I’m worthless,” and a person with a phobia may have the belief, “I am in danger.” While the person in distress likely holds such beliefs with great conviction, with a therapist’s help, the individual is encouraged to view such beliefs as hypotheses rather than facts and to test out such beliefs by running experiments. Furthermore, those in distress are encouraged to monitor and log thoughts that pop into their minds (called “automatic thoughts”) in order to enable them to determine what patterns of biases in thinking may exist and to develop more adaptive alternatives to their thoughts. People who seek CBT can expect their therapist to be active, problem-focused, and goal-directed.

Studies of CBT have demonstrated its usefulness for a wide variety of problems, including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse disorders, and psychotic disorders.

from: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=About_Treatments_and_Supports&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=7952

Thinking cycles and patterns are not carved in stone forever. They can be changed by asking the questions and responding to the answer in a new way:

• What do I want?
• What am I doing?
• Is it working?

I’ll be talking more about thinking cycles in future posts. But it is an area where each of us can exercise our authority and make real change that will make our lives better.

Until then, don’t knock celibacy. I can testify to the freedom and peace of mind that just loving yourself is more than enough when you need to heal from broken relationships.

Check out my ebay sale, lots of CUTE! and sexy outfits, dresses, and shoes starting at .99 with no reserves!

http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/aosbo4864

One degree is so seriously cold! My amazing chia garden may not survive this cold snap and they are in the house! But in their defense, I did take their little baggies off prematurely and now I’m left with two thoughts. #1 It’s a good thing I saved some of my seed and #2 my house is in desperate need of being made more energy efficient and I need to start doing my energy homework and working on a plan for this. No telling how much money we’re losing and energy we are wasting just from needing new windows and better insulation.

9 Ways to make your home energy efficient is an interesting read and definately food for thought. According to this site there are often state and federal rebates to offset the cost of switching to cleaner energy for corporate and personal use. Again this is something I need to investigate. Anyone with valueable links and info is invited and welcome to leave a comment.

We are closing a year full of surprise and wonder, we’ve witnessed so much in 2008 that could leave us in fear. Remember fear? That stuff they use to sell us everything from undeclared illegal wars to bailout packages to beauty aids? But 2008 also gave us so many reasons to be hopeful…this one election broke through so many barriers for Americans. For the first time in my lifetime…something I feared I would never see…there were honest and thoughtful discussions about real meaningful and inclusive change. And I remain hopeful that we can keep our fervor and steadfast spirit ready to meet the challenges that are before us in the year to come. 

CHANGE = CHALLENGE

I think one of the worst injustices we do ourselves is fearing a good challenge. Never have I grown more than by overcoming obstacles both real and perceived. Maybe it’s just me who learns this way, and if so, I’m okay with that. But I did notice that in the last year it has become easier to see those obstacles in the shadow of my authority and ability to overcome them rather than the obstacle’s ability to throw me off track or hold me back. In 2008 I had moments where I could feel the last sliver of hope wanting to flee from me, but in those seconds of doubt I called on the name of the Lord and he restored my hope, and everything worked to my favor. Did I say everything? Yes. I’m learning what faithful really means from the only One who could ever do the word justice.

Now before you go rolling your eyes, I’m not trying to get preachy, but I want my readers to know that faith trumps fear every time. Did I say EVERY time? Yes, I did. I’m believing for 2009 to be a year of choosing faith over fear in all arenas and most of all this is my hope for you in the new year. I hope that in 2009 you find it easier to believe in yourself and those who love and care about you and that your relationships would bear the good fruits of love and faithfulness. It is my hope that those seeds would take root in your heart and that you would rise to meet every challenge with courage, humility, and a “can do” attitude. It is my hope that with every challenge you meet and conquer that your confidence will grow and you will dare to live 2009 with less self-imposed limitations than you did in 2008. Dare to dream and shine in 2009!

That is, if you haven’t got Bitch Magazine’s website bookmarked already.

I happened across them on MySpace months ago, added them to my friends with intentions of checking them out further. In case you didn’t know, I’ve been totally scatter-brained for months and I just lost track of them. But the Twitter fates reconnected me with Bitch and I’ve been enjoying their candid articles from female writers who share opinions and information on numerous of topics of interest to other strong intelligent women. The magazine says it is the “feminist response to pop culture,” and with such topics as beauty secrets, motherhood, and fat girls written in and presented in a true pro-woman (NOT feminazi) perspective, I definately agree with their claim. Every article I’ve read there I’ve found to be thought provoking, informative, and fun to read as well as encouraging. Nearly every time I visit their site and read something I come away feeling a little less alone in the world as a pro-woman woman….as corny as that may sound.

Bitch Magazine is the bomb ladies….waste not another moment! Go see for yourself. =)

I’ve been looking ahead to the new year and I have this deep sense that 2009 is going to be a year of collaboration vs. competition. Already there are pieces falling into place I couldn’t have imagined a year ago, or even 6 months ago. I feel like I’m firmly planted and stable in spite of all the fear running rampant in the world, but I am going to work harder on building and maintaining my team this coming year. Katt Williams said 2008 was the year for the team - oh well I’m a year late, but I already know who my star player is and have a couple of “thoroughbred franchise players” in my corner. That means I’m closer to the goal than I was and in too far to back out now. (This is the part where I close my eyes and say, “Help me Jesus.” But you won’t catch that part unless you’re paying real close attention. I whisper it so often now it’s just part of my breathing.)

Roots

I’ve determined that I am going to establish a group of 12 roots for my life. These “roots” will be a support system of people where I can draw from for wisdom, encouragement, and accountability. These rooted individuals will be trustworthy, genuine, and can be brutally honest with me when I need it and I will give them permission to hold me accountable when my deeds or words don’t line up with my goals.
And likewise…
I am going to commit to being a root for 12 others that I will share and impart my wisdom and encouragement to and will hold accountable when his/her actions or words don’t line up with their goals and always with the motive of love and helping. Because I believe that 2009 is going to be the year for reaching goals and setting higher standards, reaching those goals and turning up the heat a lil more and that is going to take having a team in Kat’s words, “deflecting bullshit.” 

-Sitting in the hospital with my grandmother Friday night I learned something very important from her. “It’s better to be kind than right.” When I think of all the sound wisdom she has invested in me and yet I still learn something each time we share. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, grandmothers have the power to change the world with their unconditional love of their grandchildren. Both of mine have imparted principles I can clearly see have helped mold who I am. My mother’s influence has been the greatest, but I see her and both my grandmothers as heroes as each is an amazing woman in her own right. Hmm….my silky sense is tingling….I see women’s history month video of the women in my life project in my future! Ok yes, I must do this!

But back on topic, I was recording for a new show I’m working on and got on the topic of support systems and it brought back to memory from my days working with the Dept of Juvenile Justice something I need to add. One thing I realized was happening consistantly was that the residents who returned to the program because they reoffended, ALL said they either failed to use their support system, or never fully established a support system they could trust. For some this meant they went back to using drugs or alcohol, most all went back to some previous behavior that got them in trouble with the law to start with. They were told the support system was crucial to their success, why didn’t they take more care that their’s was sufficient? Did they want to fail?  I constantly asked myself that when I girl returned to the program who I had worked with. Did I fail her, did the treatment plan fail her? Then I began to realize that many of these kids were in the state system before having charges of their own. Matter of fact, the majority of them had been neglected, abused, or abandoned at some point in their early childhood. It finally dawned on me that “support” wasn’t something all of them could grasp because they’d never had it until the treatment program, and I could also clearly see how the support system in my own life had really been key to the choices I’d made for myself, both good and bad. 

So as I build this support system for myself and commit to being part of the support system of others, I hope to send out a wave of positivity exponentially. It’s my hope that by Spring of 2009 I’ll be hosting live chats teaching these principles to men and women who want to start applying this in their own lives, starting their own groups of people with like interests in their area for support, friendship, and fun. I can’t stress enough how important strong, healthy, supportive friendships are to our overall well being and health. This is all part of Big Esteem teachings I’ve been rambling about. I bought my domains and I need to make an appointment to talk to a cool ass designer. 

Time to play chef/mom/wifey…..xxooxxoo 

There are some things I’m tired of fighting. One of those long tiresome battles has been with my hair. Several weeks ago I had one of those (seven year old with a pair of scissors) fits because my shaggy mop was frizzed and fugly beyond what I could stand. I have no hair styling training, or natural talent (obviously), I simply washed it, conditioned it, combed it all out strait and cut (somewhat) straight around just like mom did when I was a kid minus the crooked bangs forever captured in my school pictures in K-3rd grade. It wasn’t SO bad, but it was a severe pain and still just never looked quite right to me anyway. Well I finally stopped the fighting and took my happy ass to a stylist for a real cut and I’m very pleased with the results. You can see my new doo over in the Twitpic box on your right.

As for new plans…I’m ready to take some of the things I’ve learned and turn them into ways to help others. I’m a firm believer that real change that changes hearts and minds is carried more often by waves of love and compassion found in relationships than by clever slogans or opposition movements. I also believe that it’s time for me to put things in order with the big esteem teachings I’ve been working on and move forward with hosting Ladies Day Luncheons to share these teachings and the principles they’re founded on as well as to build relationships and support systems with and between women here in Ky who want to improve their self-esteem and confidence. I am so excited to be moving ahead with this. My heart leaps with joy that it’s coming together so well and the vision I have for it is becoming more and more clear. We have set a date for our first outing in Lexington on December 8th in Lexington Kentucky at the Olive Garden on Nicholasville Road in front of Fayette Mall. Please email thick_tnt@yahoo.com if you are interested in joining us so we can reserve seating. This is a ladies only event.

And where is all this clarity coming from? I believe it is coming from a clearer state of mind. My blood pressure problems being solved finally -along with a profound revelation in my personal life in the last week have helped to shift my vision from a hopeful one into a vision where I can see design and purpose. Add to that the wind returning to my sails with this wonderful surge of energy and it just feels so good! I hope you will stay tuned…..

I’ve been slacking on my journaling since the election. Perhaps I’m just enjoying the simplicity of the damn thing being over, or maybe I really am part of the slacker generation and it just takes me a while to get motivated. I’ve not felt motivated in a long while and honestly, I haven’t felt good either. I brushed it off as being this or that, but now after a month of being a non-smoker I find that not only has my blood pressure NOT gone back anywhere near normal, but in fact it is higher than it’s ever been. 169/118 so it’s off to the doc for me this afternoon to get it under control. Seeing those numbers when I was expecting something totally different is exactly what I needed to push me to action…I know I’m lucky I didn’t stroke out or have a heart attack before now. Geez wonder what my BP was when I was smoking? Anyway, I shall keep you posted, and be back on track with my radio show by the end of this week.

We still face as a nation so many SERIOUS obstacles to overcome. I’m angered yet again to see articles and postings creeping up on the web as to how John McCain may just win or steal this election in spite of the expected landslide for Obama. How? Between outright fraud, long long lines in primarily Democratic voting districts, and the “electoral college,” yes it is entirely plausable and possible that once again the popular vote will be completely ignored for at least the 3rd time since I’ve been legally able to vote. This troubles me deeply. 

And still even IF the people’s choice wins the election, isn’t our election system in serious need of an overhaul? Isn’t our government in need of an audit? I believe the system is faulty and needs not only repair, but possibly a brand new structure that puts the needs of the people….not corporate, banking, or lobby interests….FIRST! This will only happen when “we the people” get involved and hold our “elected” officials accountable. I’m ready…are you?

Best wishes and Godspeed. If this election is stolen like the two before it, be prepared for a revolt of epic proportions.

http://www.fairvote.org/